Happy Friday, Readers! Today’s special guest is humorist author Diane Dean-Epps and we’re chatting about her latest book, BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX: My Aging Journey Into, Through, and Beyond Denial, Fillers & Human Preservatives.
Bio:
My sit-down standup style of humor writing has found a home in multiple books, including Bangs ‘N’ Botox: My Aging Journey Near, Through, and Out of Denial and Botox, Fillers, & Human Preservatives, the latter essential reading for anyone who’s ever looked in the mirror and gasped at what time hath wrought.
On the career front I’ve had a bountiful buffet of opportunities—sometimes concurrently—in industries as diverse as media, education, marketing, entertainment, and fitness leading to incredible feats of multi-tasking. This explains my unique ability to deliver a punchline, grade essays, post social media updates, and draft stories as I voice commercials and assume the plank position for one minute and 22 seconds.
Currently residing in northern California, I write and perform in productions both planned and—much to the surprise of unsuspecting bystanders—unplanned. My audiences are (mostly) entertained, and I consider that a solid win.
Welcome, Diane. Please tell us about your current release.
Pending the invention of a time machine, we’ll all have to make peace with aging. What better way to do it than by having some fun at aging’s expense? BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX: My Aging Journey Into, Through, and Beyond Denial, Fillers & Human Preservatives is my fourth—and newest—humor book that does just that. I may be a relative unknown possibly destined to be the Emily Dickinson of humor—sans living next to a cemetery—with my work gaining popularity posthumously, if at all, but I press on. Written in my signature “sit-down standup” style, I talk about everything from my marginally successful skincare experimentation to how different my glory days are from my golden years to how humor keeps me sane even as gravity takes its toll. BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX is part observational comedy, part memoir, and 100% relatable. (Think Leanne Morgan, Rita Rudner, and Kathleen Madigan attend a Botox party, and they have so much fun together they forget to even get the flipping Botox.) Packed with punchlines, BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX is the kind of book you read out loud to friends just to share the laughs. You don’t have to be an oldster to be able to relate to—and enjoy—the book. Anyone who’s ever tried to amp up their self-care regimen with some sort of “this will fix it” serum, been told “Good for you!” way too many times or gotten stuck in a piece of their own clothing will connect to the humor. Also, aging is quite the timely topic now that the famous cool kids are—gasp!—approaching and/or turning the ripe old age of 50. BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX is packed with punchlines, delivering a fresh perspective and rapid-fire laughs.
What inspired you to write this book?
The mirror. 😅 I find the humor in everything, and I’m hard-wired to use it in my writing, as a coping mechanism, and as a way to prevent myself from taking myself—and life—too seriously. (At least, not for long.) It took me three years to write BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX—whichis my seventh published book and the ninth book I’ve written—and that’s quite a span of time for me. Usually I get an idea for a book, and then work on it doggedly for a year, so I can hit my own deadline. By the way, I’m pretty tough to work for, let me tell you. I have strict deadlines, a clear—albeit one-woman fueled—vision, and I won’t brook flimsy, fake, or funny excuses for not producing pages…many, many, many pages. Truth be told, when I’m in the zone writing—and I write every day—I have a laser-like focus, so I can’t really slow down the train, even if I wanted to, and I usually don’t. I found I had so many stories to tell related to aging because they amass daily—daily, I tell you!—I had to give myself a submission deadline for BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX, lest it end up being a 700-page book. (It’s 283 pages.) The first situation where I really “found the funny” in attaining my newly-acquired status as an “in my sixties” person was when I went to my general practitioner because I was having quite the go-round trying to heal from a yoga-related injury when I side-planked myself with a wee bit too much gusto. Evidently. After being in pain for a few weeks, I started thinking the old fogey caution, “You could break a hip” may have actually happened to me. (That wasn’t it.) My doctor was trying to be extremely diplomatic, showing me on the x-ray where arthritis was indicated, and that it was likely contributing to my discomfort. I came away from that appointment rather disheartened, but then on the way to my car I came up with my line that appears in the book, “Off I went to visit my very nice MD, who arranged for an x-ray, confirming something I’ve suspected for quite some time. I’m aging.” It made me laugh, and I knew I wasn’t alone in adjusting to the new reality that is a body that’s all original parts, so it’s showing the miles that I’ve logged in. That’s when I knew I had to write BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX for all of us who are noticeably not 35 years old or even in that particular age vicinity.
Excerpt from BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX:
Held Prisoner by My Sports Bra (Pages 112-116)
When I tried to utilize my usual swooping motion to fling off my sports bra it all went wrong. Instead of “off” it went to “stuck way up high.”
Evidently, my sweat triggered a reaction not unlike one of those washcloths that expand when you add water, rendering my shoulders twice as wide.
Uh-oh. This item had now transitioned into classification as relationship apparel, and I was home alone.
Well, I wasn’t completely alone. The fur babies were all in residence, offering unconditional love if not opposable thumbs.
The fact of the matter was, I was hardcore stuck in a position where I looked like one of those arms-flapping-in-the-air weird crewcut blowup creatures you see in front of fine car lots everywhere.
I then launched into a comedy act no one will ever see in person, but I’ll describe it to you.
With my arms high over my head, squished into a capital “V” position, I tried waving them around to create some room.
The unfortunate result was wedging my arm pits into the poky side pieces. How ironic they’re there for support, but there was none offered in this situation.
That’s when I realized I needed to take drastic measures. It was imperative I cut myself out of this godforsaken garment before I lost consciousness.
I scuttled over in the general direction of my vanity table where I keep all manner of make-up and grooming items, including scissors.
The journey felt as long as the Appalachian Trail as I shuffle-stepped around throw rugs, wove around furniture, and then played “dodge cat-dog-cat-dog” with four critters.
Against all odds I made it to my destination without going ass over tea kettle.
I had mere steps to go when I got a cramp in my left elbow. Now more than ever, time was of the essence. I had mere seconds before the annoying cramp became the kind that freezes your limb like it’s been cast in concrete.
I bunny hopped the last few steps, crash landing onto the vanity. Little did I know the trickiest bit was ahead of me.
You see, I was dealing with the twin challenges that were partial vision and limited hand mobility.
That meant I had to bend over from the waist and use a sweeping motion to bring the scissors my way, much like a sea anemone uses its tentacles to lure in food.
If success were to be measured by how many items I knocked off the vanity, then I was extremely successful.
Over the next 15 hours—all right, it was more like 15 minutes—I located my nail scissors and sawed the foundational beast off my body.
While it all worked out—eventually—I’m struck by the fact that, once again, when my dignity came calling, no one answered.
What exciting project are you working on next?
Myself! 😂 I’m a teacher, so I’m fixing to enjoy a summer of love that reflects all the things I love; dancing, lifting weights, hanging out with my grandchildren, adventuring around with my family, gardening in my whimsical backyard playground, and crafting up fun art with found items. (This is the short list, mind you.)
When did you first consider yourself a writer?
Before I even knew what cursive was, I knew I was a writer because I loved words. I found them to be magical, evoking imagery that I really connected to. My most vivid memory is being in third grade and writing stories. Writing as a form of expression and as a way to make sense of the world has been a part of my life through its many, many stages. I’ve been a little kid creating fantasy-based stories, and then I grew into a feelings-flooded teenager who wrote angry poetry, and then I hit adulthood, and really embraced my comedy jam writing everything from stand-up comedy material to scripts to humor columns to books.
Do you write full-time? If so, what’s your workday like? If not, what do you do other than write and how do you find time to write?
I write fully all the time is what I’d say. I have a regular “day” job, and I don’t have set hours for writing. (I often wonder what that might be like.) As a result, my ideas and writing end up on the back of mailers, on receipts, and I’ve even been known to text myself. The ideas and words flow, so I just act as the conduit which makes for a nice working relationship. I mentioned earlier that I’m a teacher, and I’m also a marketing maven who’s made a living getting other people’s names and products out there, and then I’m a dance teacher.
What would you say is your interesting writing quirk?
I LOVE writing analog-style on binder paper with my purple pens. Oh, yes, and they’re a certain type of purple pen.
As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I wanted to be a performer, but then I also toyed with being a lawyer. Teaching was an early passion which meant I was a teacher’s assistant for several years running, and I loved it. After I graduated from college I worked in the media—television, radio, print—and then got my teaching credential, so I’d say I ended up realizing my early career goals. And on the lawyer part? I like a good—unpaid—debate every now and again.
Anything additional you want to share with the readers?
This is for the writers out there who are contemplating the “how.” There are no rules in writing—or for being a writer. How you do it, when you do it, and why you do it is all up to you. Just do it, do it, do it, okay? For you. For all the readers who will connect with your stories. And for my reading folks. You are my people. I love Stephen King’s quote, “Books are a uniquely portable magic.” Let’s keep enjoying—and making—the magic.
Links:
Website | Purchase BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX on Amazon (Paperback & Kindle) | BANGS ‘N’ BOTOX video trailer (YouTube) | MSWRITENOWAUTHOR Instagram | MS WRITE-NOW Facebook | Diane Dean-Epps Writing YouTube Channel | LinkedIn